What Others Think

A post by @beelzael talking about clothes for children, got me thinking about (and questioning) the "I don't care what others think" statements so many make, to signal how independent and emotionally healthy they are. It is somewhat of a virtue signal - but I question what it is actually signalling, as after all - extreme narcissists might not care what others think either - they only care about themselves.

Let's take the "I don't care what others think about my clothes" statement first, as it is one of the common ones. Yet, I often question this, because people tend to wear different clothes depending on the occasion, outside of functional need. People don't wear "what they want" to a wedding, right? This indicates that they are indeed influenced by the opinions of others. But what would it say about a person who truly doesn't care and wears what they want?

This would mean that they turn up to a couple's important day, that they have put a lot of time, money and energy into planning, and then having zero regard for that couple's thoughts and feelings. They expect that no matter how they dress (or behave), it is up to everyone else to cater for them, accept them, let them do what they want.

What a dick.

Sure, I get it, everyone should own their own feelings, yet at the same time, we live in a society. And part of a society or community, or tribe, is learning how to cooperate with others. And part of cooperation, generally includes compromise, where social agreements are reached on what is appropriate and inappropriate given circumstances. Someone who is uncompromising and gives no regard for the thoughts and feelings of others, is considered selfish, self-serving, and will soon be excluded from society, and the benefits that come with it.

They might not care.

But, in today's world, these kinds of people still feel entitled to having the benefits of social agreements, even though they are not adding value to society within the framework. And of course, this goes well beyond what people wear.

I believe that one of the reasons the world is facing so much social disruption, is because communities have degraded due to a culture where people are only in it for themselves. The rise of "individualism" isn't the problem at the core, but it is more the misunderstanding that individualism is a selfish position - it is not.

individualism
/ˌɪndɪˈvɪdʒʊəlɪz(ə)m/
noun

1. the habit or principle of being independent and self-reliant.
2. a social theory favouring freedom of action for individuals over collective or state control.

What you will not see in those words is "freedom from consequence", meaning that while people can act however they want, there is still a cost to their behaviour. When people choose not to be part of a community, they will be cut off from the benefits of a community. Yet, we seem to have forgotten this part of individualism, and have instead decided it means doing whatever we want, without having to pay any price. More than that, still being able to get the benefits of society - like social security, even though there is no intention to add value to the social framework that provides the security.

Not caring what others think can be healthy in some respects, but it can also be very harmful, even to the individual. Listening to what others think and being open to influence from them, can mean learning a lot of lessons from people who have varied experience. Not caring, means losing access to collective lessons, meaning that one is "individual and alone" - nothing wrong with that, as long as also recognising that there is a consequence to being alone, and one has to take responsibility for one's own actions.

Wear what you want.

But you might not gain access.

If there is a dress code for a particular club, you can still wear whatever you want, but it might mean that the club chooses not to let you in. Complaining about the dress code might lead to a change in it, but there is no reason for the club to change its dress code to cater for all the people who want to wear what they want. Clubs are exclusive, meaning they exclude on a set of conditions, but being an "individual who doesn't care what others think" is also exclusive, isn't it? It is saying that the conditions of the individual aren't going to be influenced by other people.

However, we are all influenced.

Conditions influence us all the time, from the largest storm, to the smallest change in temperature. We might not feel the influence, but any change in conditions, will have a butterfly effect on other conditions and how we behave. This also means that other people are part of our influential environment, and regardless of whether we believe we don't care or not, our behaviour is still affected by them. Believing that we are not influenced, means that we are actually ignoring the facts of our environment, and therefore, likely missing opportunity and probably acting somewhat poorly for the conditions.

I personally am all for individual responsibility, but it comes with the caveat that someone who truly understands their place in the world, also understands that they as an individual, are part of a social structure that has influenced them, and they influence in some way. It also means recognising that none of us are "self-made" and if we truly want to be our best, it requires working heavily with others, and helping others to be Their best.

If we don't care what others think of us, are we able to be our best?

I don't think so.

Think about a simple example of a male and female in a relationship. What happens if neither of them care what the other thinks? What happens if they each do what they want? What happens if they each say what they want, but the other doesn't care? What happens if they both take what they want, without regard for what the other needs?

What kind of relationship is it?

Now, think about when a large percentage of eight billion people are behaving like that, believing that they are entitled to do what they want, take what they want, use what they want, however and whenever they want - what kind of society does it become? What kinds of relationships are formed? What kind of world do we live in?

The one we are heading steadily towards.

That's what I think.

But no one cares.

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]