Fucking fuckety fuckballs, I got arrested

"Hey you," the voice was stern and just a little too loud. Clearly a challenge.

I stopped walking, turned casually (I had no reason to worry because I was doing nothing wrong) and saw the voice's owner.

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He was round, short, bald as fuck, had a beard that should it have been my own I'd have happily killed myself over, and a little uniform that shouted, little fat tosser with shit beard and an inferiority complex through and through. Nah bro, you're not a cop, not in the military and your uniform is fucken gay, I thought, but I smiled and raised my chin slightly, cocked my head to the side a little as if to say I'm going to fucken choke you out and leave you in the gutter, hi there fellow, how may I assist you?

Instead I said, "hey mate, what's up?" I tried to seem friendly.

His piggy-face scowled in response, I don't think he liked me calling him mate probably because he has no mates, and he swaggered over as if he was Judge Dredd about to execute a criminal. I tried really hard to look normal, I mean not roll my eyes at the dweeb in front of me, and seem innocent.

"Are you just visiting?"

I didn't get what he meant because he spoke in an Irish accent which could have been Scottish or a cross between Swahili and Inuit or fucken who know's what.

"Visiting?" My voice gave the last part of the word an upward lilt to accentuate the question?

He went straight to DEFCON ONE as if I was an intercontinental missile with a nuclear payload hurtling towards his country, (Ireland, Scotland, Swahili...who knew where), his voice rose an octave and doubled in decibel output..."what are you doing here." He was seemingly not in a good mood.

"I'm walking." He didn't like that.

"Where," he said with what I felt was disbelief as if me putting one foot in front of the other, swinging my arms in turn and moving my body forward wasn't actually walking.

"Here," I said with a flat, now you're fucken pissing me off, face descending over my, how are you mate face. I gestured as well, sort of indicating my general vicinity.

"Are you a visitor?"

Goddamn it, back to that old chestnut.

"A visitor?" I mean, did I look like I was from outer space? Had I said, take me to your leader earthling even just once?

No.

By this time my security friend was quite mad for some reason. Maybe he thought I was going to steal the Crown Jewels or conduct a clandestine meeting with Elon Musk's 4th wife and get her pregnant for the 18th time. I could tell because his face was red and his oddly terrible beard was quivering like...like...an oddly terrible beard.

"Where's your security pass!" The rude cunt had interrupted my contemplations on his beard and whether it was worth pulling out my phone and snap a photo to send to my mates who would surely piss themselves laughing the moment they saw it.

Ok, things were beginning to make sense.

I'd left my security pass in my office when I went to take my lunch time walk at the very large site and with no pass, well...maybe I actually was an alien from outer space. Ok, not really, but I certainly should have had my pass with me.

I explained I'd left it at my office and pointed at my polo shirt that clearly had a logo over the left side of my (massively muscled and chiseled from granite) chest. He looked at it as if seeing the logo and name for the first time - the awareness was slow to come but eventually he made the connection, "so you work here?" He was still looking at my left nipple when he said that and it felt violated.

No shit, I thought, but figured because I'd actually done the wrong thing and moved about the site with no security pass (even though I have all-areas clearance) I figured I'd let the man have his moment in the sun. I mean, it's not every day one gets the opportunity to arrest one of my level, stature and standing - A true Titan! He'd found his unicorn this day and I wasn't going to take it away.

"Ah, I understand, I've stupidly walked out without my tags, what an idiot. I'm sorry for it and will head right back there post haste." I tried to seem apologetic and slightly deferential but...well, I doubt I succeeded because I'm me.

"Yee makee shuur yoe dee und war yee pass neet tymee."

I don't know what the fuck he said but made a mental note to discover once and for all what fucken language he was speaking if it was the last thing I did in my life!

I smiled, (what the fuck else could I do) and gave my trade mark partial salute any military officer worth his rank would dress me down for and said, "I'll make sure I wear my pass in the future."

When I got back to my office I mentioned to a couple of the chaps about what had happened and they had a chuckle. Apparently, that security guard does nothing else but look for people without a pass on and dresses them down; I'd gotten off lightly it seems, maybe because he recognised my, I'm going to karate chop your head off and play fucken soccer with it, face I'd tried so hard to hide.

I'm not sure I'll forget my passes again, I mean it's not like I want to go through meeting piggy face shit beard again, but goddamn it, part of me wants to goad him once more, I reckon I could get him to pop a vein in his forehead and that'd give me a laugh.