LOVE THAT REMAINS

I never thought my life was going to end up like this.

If someone had told me some time ago that I would be this sick, I would have laughed.

My husband left when our daughter was ten. He said he was tired of the bills and tired of “this life.”

He said he needed space, like we were suffocating him. Like our daughter asking for help with homework was too much pressure.

I thought he would come back after a few days, maybe weeks. I believed people didn’t just walk away when things got hard so I told my daughter he was just going away for a while.

Men sometimes leave when things get hard, that is what they say.

I did what I could do from there...from paying our bills to making sure my daughter had a comfortable life.

When the doctor told me I had cancer, I didn't have the time to cry or ponder on the thought, my mind just went straight to my daughter.

She was sixteen now but she's still a child, even though the world thinks sixteen means grown.

I watched as she slept that night...her room light was still on because she always forgot to turn it off.

How is she going to manage without me, the thought scared me more than the sickness.

It has always just been me and her, the only person I had was my friend, Aisha.

I never wanted to ask her for something that big but I didn't care anymore.

I told her about the sickness and about my fear of not seeing my daughter again, I cried like I haven't in a very long time.

“Take care of her if anything happens to me”

"Don't talk like you're already gone, I'm not going to leave her alone" She promised me she would never abandon her.

But even with her, I knew she couldn’t replace a parent and that’s when I made a decision I never wanted to make.

I called my husband. We hadn’t spoken properly in years. When he picked up, I didn’t know where and how to start from.

“I’m sick and listen, I'm not calling to blame you for anything or to beg you to come back. I'm calling because she needs you, our daughter needs a father when I'm not there."

He was quiet for a very long time and that was when I realized how much I missed him.

“I just don’t want her to be alone, she’s still a child.”

"If anything does happen to you, she's going to come live with me. It's my responsibility as her father."

I wanted to feel relieved but I was also scared. He had already left once, but I don't think I have a choice.

My daughter found out about my illness shortly after. She stopped acting like a teenager and started acting like a caretaker, like she was scared I would disappear if she looked away.

“Mum… what will happen to me if you leave?”

"Your father is going to take care of you...Aisha is also going to be there, don't worry about it, baby girl."

That’s when I remembered how long she had wanted a dog. She had always asked for one but I always said no because I was short on money.

But that night, I knew. If I couldn’t always be there, maybe something else could be.

The next week, I brought a small brown dog home.

When my daughter saw it, she froze. Then she screamed. She laughed. She cried. And she hugged the dog like it was saving her life. Maybe it was.

She named him Milo. Milo followed her everywhere. He waited for her after school. And for the first time in months, I heard her laugh without actually forcing it.

My hair started falling out little by little and I soon started tying scarves, I felt like I was already gone even though I was still there.

“I’m scared, mum” I didn’t tell her not to be scared...because I was also scared.

“I am too.” I was scared and angry that I have to worry about death instead of watching my child grow freely.

I never want my daughter to be alone...that fear lives inside me every day. But now she has a friend, a dog who would always wait at the door.

If this is my story, then let it be known.

I loved my daughter with everything I had. And that love will stay, even when I cannot.

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